Saturday, May 4, 2013


Life is like a rollercoaster. One moment I feel my spirit lifted when I read the Bible or miracle stories of cancer survivors. The other moment I am completely crushed in tears. I feel swallowed by the waves of fear. When I am on tip of the wave, I am losing my boy. I extend my hands to try to catch him, but he is away little by little from me. When I am on the bottom of the wave, I am anxious about the coming of next wave. Lord, tell me, what can I do to step out of this endless fear? I can't let this ruin my life.
The wave of fear swallowed me again when we got the result of Joey's petscan. It is not a big surprise for us thinking about the way tumors spread from kidney to neck. Pet scan shows more tumors in lymph nodes in para aorta, chest and neck. The biggest one is 2.7cm.
I have the picture in my head of those deadly tumors all over his tiny body. They are ugly, pervasive, attacking, but I tell myself they are not undefeatable. Joey has great personality to fight these tumors. He needs me as strong as him, as positive as him and as fearless as him.

Often at the end of the day, I feel so exhausted, I read the quote again and again sent by a Chinese friend:

我们不能保证好人都能有好报,也不能保证坏人都能受到惩罚,但是,不要把目光盯在公平两个字上,就算老天是不公的,也要在不公的老天下面健康地活着。让老 天尽管来为难好人,它最好也能为难到底,最好为难得他们走投无路,使他们不得不从肋下生出羽翼来,不得不学会飞,直到无论什么样的险山恶水都再也无法阻挡 他们的去路.

We can't promise that all the good people can have a good life or evil people get punished. Please don't fix your eyes on fairness. Even there is no fairness in the world, please live a healthy life in this unfair world. Let me welcome all the odds with a fearless spirit. I wish all these odds can be as persistent as me, so I would be driven into a corner, with wings coming out of my arms. So I have to learn how to fly. I would fly with my fearlessness. Then there will be no obstale in my way!


  1. Ji Kathy,

    I have been touched every time when I read your post. I am so touched that you are a strong mom and Joey is a strong boy too. Most of all, both of you trust in God. I do not know why this happen to Joey, but I know God loves him; God loves you and your family too. He is with you and Joey and He is always be with you.

    Hang on there, my sister! Actually, I believe God is holding your hand now!

    A sister for GCCC

  2. You are the bravest person I know, Kathy, second only to your son. What a blessing to know you, and to share even a portion of this journey with you. I am amazed at how freely you share exactly where you are- and I wish only that I could carry even a tiny bit of your burden for you. I trust in God's grace, and mercy, and know that God is surrounding your family with love. I pray for Joey's healing and our ability to understand and accept this path that is now your son's. Pain is a powerful teacher- it either heals and transforms us, or buries us... and a lot of times, when we are in the midst of it, it seems to do both simultaneously. My hope is that each and every one of you is drawn closer to the mystery that is God, and to each other, as you pave the way to healing. You are deeply loved.

  3. I am so touched on your blog, although I dare not to read it, since I am afraid to see any bad news. You are the greatest mom and Joey is the best kid. I have never seen anyone braver than you. Trust in God, he will give you the best. What we learned from YuGongYiShan (Foolish Old Man Moved the Mountain) is that if we focus on something that we want to do and keep working on it, although almost impossible for human being, God will help us to achieve it.

  4. I couldn't have said it better than kitchu did though I don't know you. I keep hope for you and Joey every day.