Woke up in the middle of the night and cried. I felt so scared I may lose my boy some day and I held on tight to the sheets and cried while everybody else in the house was sleeping.
When we are enjoying the summer, Joey's tumors are growing quietly and agressively. CT scan shows all his tumors in chest, neck and stomach are bigger. His body doesn't respond to the oral chemo after two months. Surgery is not an option. Today when the Dr. showed us the images, I wanted to scream. I wanted to close my eyes and never need to see those creepy pictures. I felt abondaned again by God.
Why? I have been trying so hard to get a sense of peace and faith. Dear Lord, please don't let them fade away. How long do I need to be tested?
Came back home from the long talk with the Dr. Joey was jumping up and down at the door and asked me why it took so long. I told him there are still tumors and we may need to switch to a different drug. He said, "no wonder I didn't feel anything from the drug!"
I ache, even he is still smiling the big smile like nothing happened. I am trapped into the whirlpool and all the emotions of fear, hatry, regret came to swallow me again. In the past three months, I took away the food he likes and made him drink smoothies out of 17 different fruits, vege and nuts almost everyday, which he hates. He swallowed 4 supplements everyday and didn't ask what they are for. He does Yoga once a week, which fortunately he likes. He even agrees to do tai chi with me although he thinks it boring and doesn't undertand why. I couldn't ask more from him. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed with all the information online, I began to loose common sense and believe stupid diet kids hate. Now I regret and feel suspicious if I gave him wrong food or supplement to make his tumors grow.
Shands offers a phase I trial, which I don't quite undertand the rationale because it targets general cancer and the research shows the drug doesn't work with RCC patients. Joey's oncologist in Cincinnati is on vacation. I emailed him and he couldn't make decision until he sees the scan. Dana-farber's Dr. is on vacation too and can't be back until Aug. 20th.
I don't know who else I can talk to. I called NCI. Someone picked up the phone. It turned out he is the pediatric oncologist just joined NCI in July. He asked me to send all Joey's information. By the end of the day, he emailed me another clinical trial.
I don't know what comes next. It's midnight now. I just want to sleep. Sleeping is the only way I don't need to face this.